Absolution Read online

  Closing his eyes, Luke lowered his head to nuzzle her temple and fought back a groan when her fingers dug into his skin in response. She was so damn perfect to him, still gently rounded but firm, her scent a heady mix of innocence and sin. His beautiful Em.

  He gently rubbed his cheek against hers, careful that his whiskers didn’t chafe her smooth skin, and slid the hand at her jaw down her shoulder and arm to her waist. His fingers flexed against that firm flesh, wanting to explore so much more but holding himself in check. Luke dropped his head until his mouth brushed beneath her left ear, right over the scar he’d given her. She tensed in his embrace, a nervous swallow making the muscles in her throat undulate beneath his lips. He paused without moving away, teasing her with that light touch and the warm caress of his breath. When it was clear she wasn’t going to pull away, he pressed a lingering kiss there and squeezed his eyes shut.

  I’m so sorry, Em. He sent the words to her through the caress of his lips and the careful but desperate grip of his hands. So damn sorry.

  Emily swallowed again, then after a moment slowly tipped her head to the side to allow him greater access. He took it, tightening his hold on her and moving his body in close until it brushed against hers, opening his mouth to let his tongue stroke across the mark, tasting her exquisitely soft skin. His erection pressed painfully against his jeans. A tremor snaked through her.

  “Luke,” she quavered, her voice full of confusion and need.

  He cradled the back of her head with his palm and reluctantly stopped what he was doing, bracing himself for the inevitable moment when she withdrew from him. But she surprised him by threading her hands into his hair and simply holding on, leaning into him.

  Luke raised his head, and the breath got stuck in his throat. Emily’s eyes were wide and uncertain as she stared up at him, her fingers tangling in his hair to rub against his scalp. Like a kitten flexing its claws. He answered with a low growl of enjoyment and pressed back against the caress, watching her through lowered lids. The hunger was there as it always was, a pool of gasoline waiting for a match strike. It pulsed between them in the quiet and licked over his skin like flames. His gaze went to her lush mouth, mere inches from his. The full lower lip tempted him to bend closer, closer to brush that satin curve...

  Emily jerked back with a gasp, squeezing her eyes shut and shaking her head. But her hands remained in his hair, a stark contradiction to her first reaction. She was fighting this, the same as he was. But she was also hungry. She wanted him every bit as badly as he wanted her. God help them both.

  Unable to stop himself, Luke touched his lips to hers, a light brushing, both plea and demand. His body was raging hot, the taste and scent and feel of her igniting the inferno inside him. He paused there a moment, his mouth hovering a breath away from hers, then dipped down to taste her. Em made a low sound of protest in her throat and gave a tiny shake of her head, but her hands fisted in his hair, unwilling to let him go. He licked at her pouty bottom lip and settled his mouth completely over hers. A quiet whimper escaped her, and everything dominant in him demanded he possess his female, draw out every sensual response he could from her while he satisfied the hunger raging inside them both.

  Angling his head, he firmed his hold on the back of her skull and opened her lips beneath his.

  One of her hands went to his shoulder. “No,” she whispered breathlessly.

  Luke gentled his grip and slid his tongue over the seam of her lips, coaxing and seducing. In response she softened again, tilting her face up to his. Slowly, tenderly, he entered her mouth.

  She gave a hungry moan and leaned into his chest, trembling in his arms. Her tongue touched his, caressing, then slid deeper. Needing, the same as he did. Taking over the kiss, he let go of her waist and smoothed his palm up her ribs toward her breast.

  On a harsh gasp, Emily wrenched away, stumbling back with one hand over her lips.

  The shocking pain in her eyes tore at him. “Em—”

  “No,” she gasped out. “I can’t do this—Oh God, why did I let you kiss me?” She spun around and wrapped her arms around her waist, putting her back to him.

  His whole body ached, but not as badly as his heart. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that.”

  She turned her head and looked at him. Her eyes were full of sorrow and a trace of fear. “I can’t go with you,” she finally said. “So if that was your way of trying to coax me into it, sorry, but my answer’s still no.”

  She knew damn well that’s not why he’d kissed her. He sighed. “Em, if it’s because of me—”

  “It’s not.” She shook her head. “It’s not.”

  The hell it wasn’t. “I won’t be at the house much, but if seeing me makes you uncomfortable I'll stay somewhere else.” She started to shake her head again but he stopped her with an upraised hand. “You’ve been fighting this all alone so far, but it won’t be like that from now on. Now you’ve got people who care about you to help you through this. Let us carry some of the burden for a while.”

  Tears glistened in her jewel-like eyes, reflecting the flames flickering in the fireplace. Her hands came up to her mouth, and he could see the trembling in them. It made him frantic to hold her, to pull her tight into his arms and against his body so she felt safe and protected. But he didn’t dare make a move to touch her this time. She was a second from bolting from the room.

  He fought to maintain an impression of calm. “I won’t push you about this anymore tonight, but we don’t have a lot of time for you to warm up to the idea.” Walking past her was damn near as hard as leaving her the first time. He felt worse with every step, like he was deserting her all over again.

  “Luke...”

  Her broken whisper cut him. “I’ll call you in the morning,” he said, not daring to look at her. “Sleep well, Em.” Rayne was more than capable of looking out for the women for the time being, Luke told himself. Nobody needed or wanted him there anyhow.

  Without looking back, he headed out the kitchen door into the cold December night. Nothing had changed. He was still the soldier doomed to spend the rest of his life watching the princess from afar.

  ****

  By the time he updated the undercover officers and drove away from her house, Luke was close to losing it. He drove across the bridge spanning the Ashley River and headed north with no clear destination in mind. He had to drive so he could think.

  Since I found out I’m dying! He couldn’t get the words out of his head, because clearly she believed them. He couldn’t take it in. Couldn’t deal with it. His hands gripped the steering wheel so hard his bones hurt. She couldn’t be dying. Not now, and not like this.

  From the day he’d left and through the empty years without her that followed, some subconscious part of him had always held out hope that Em would be there waiting when he’d rectified his mistakes. That she might not be had his mind in chaos.

  If only his superiors at Langley and CENTCOM could see him now, he thought derisively, on the verge of having a meltdown. The renowned Mr. Cool had left the building, and all that remained was the screaming void where his darkest fears lay.

  It had taken everything he had to walk out of the study and leave her there, frightened and hurting. It made his guts burn like lava to think of how truly afraid she was, how alone she was. He wanted to stay with her. Wanted to step up and be the man she’d always deserved instead of the one who’d run from his own insecurities. But until Tehrazzi was dealt with, he couldn’t give that to her. Luke was the only one properly equipped for that job, and he’d made it his life’s mission to see it through. And at this point, he was the best shot the world had at bringing Tehrazzi out of hiding.

  His cell vibrated against his belt but he ignored it. No way could he deal with anything until he’d calmed down. The blur of headlights whipped past him as he headed out of town through the darkened pastoral landscape into plantation country. The rage and violence followed him, demanding release. He fought them back.


  Jesus, he couldn’t remember the last time he’d felt this out of control. He’d built his reputation as an operator on the basis of his ability to stay cool no matter what, even if the enemy had surrounded his team and they were taking casualties or he was wounded. He never lost control when he executed a mission. He did what had to be done. Period. But facing the possibility of losing Em was more terrifying than being captured and tortured by the enemy. It tormented him that he was on the verge of the operation that would eliminate Tehrazzi, but it was too late for Emily and him.

  He’d lost that precious window of time when they might have reconciled. Instead, he’d spent it hunting the enemy through the deserts of the Middle East. That’s the choice he’d made.

  At that moment, he’d never regretted anything more.

  The phone buzzed insistently against his hip for the second time, and after taking a forced, deep inhalation, he ripped it from its holder. Ah, Christ, he thought as he saw the digital display. Reality was calling.

  Luke blew out a breath and took the next exit, finding a quiet place to pull over before returning the call. His heart rate was still elevated and his breathing wasn’t quite steady, but this might be the call he’d been waiting for. Cutting the engine, he dialed.

  After a short delay, Davis answered. “Hey my man, how’s it going?”

  “It’s going,” Luke grunted. “You stateside?”

  “No, Kabul. Langley’s given me this secure number for the time being.”

  Not good. “We got a problem?”

  “Your boy over here is getting help.”

  He wouldn’t have thought it possible, but his stomach clamped even tighter. “What kind of help?”

  Another short pause came while the signal reached its destination. “Someone with connections, maybe overseas, I’m not sure yet. All the warlords that were friendly with us are increasingly tight-lipped about Tehrazzi. All of a sudden nobody’s seen him or has any idea where he is, and for damn sure nobody wants to help us find him.”

  With the amount of cash and arms they were waving at the warlords, that said a lot. “Is it him?”

  “That’s the thing, I don’t think it’s just Tehrazzi. I already talked to James about it before I called you, but I’ve got a bad feeling about this. It’s like he’s getting help from someone either higher up the food chain, or from an inside source. Whatever’s going on, he’s managed to corrupt sources I’ve used reliably for over two years.”

  Luke rubbed at his tired, burning eyes. “Damn.” He’d been afraid of this. Afghanistan was complicated enough without this shit. “Jamie’s on this already, I take it?”

  “Yeah. He wants a meeting with all of us.”

  “Miller too?” Luke had a long-standing friendly rivalry with the Kabul station chief, so working together was always entertaining. Too bad this meeting couldn’t be under less serious circumstances because he could sure use a laugh or two.

  “That’s affirm.”

  “I’ll fly out in the morning.” At least it would save him another encounter with Em. “What’s the latest intel?”

  The line crackled for a few seconds. “Word is Tehrazzi’s looking for you, on the move out of the mountains, but that’s all I’ve got so far.”

  A rush of energy flooded his veins. “What’s Miller’s take on it?”

  “The same. None of his contacts have intercepted anything useful yet.”

  Too bad. “I’ll be in Beirut day after tomorrow. You staying put for now?”

  “Think so. Could change once we talk to James.”

  “No doubt,” Luke muttered.

  Ending the call, he pulled back onto the road and headed for Emily’s. Stupid, to stay up all night outside her house like a stalker, but he needed to watch over her himself tonight. Probably would be better off driving straight to D.C., but an early flight would get him there soon enough.

  Pale moonlight sparkled on the water as he crossed back over the river into Charleston, the city peaceful and calm in the Christmas hush. Whole place looked like a postcard, or an illustration in a children’s book. Nothing like the places he would go once he went overseas. He tapped his thumb against the steering wheel.

  So Tehrazzi was on the move, trying to find him. Might have left the mountains to head for Kabul. Could be for the best, Luke reflected. He could draw Tehrazzi out this way, lure him to where he wanted him. Anyplace would do, so long as it was far away from Emily, but the less populated the area the better. Things with Tehrazzi always got messy and Luke preferred minimizing collateral damage whenever possible.

  The CIA had many sources in Kabul. It would be tough to find out who Tehrazzi’s contact was. They needed to find the informant, but for Luke the most important thing right now was Emily. He couldn’t stay and protect her now, because suddenly the prey had become the hunter.

  So whether she liked it or not, Emily was going to Beirut.

  Chapter Five

  Emily collapsed back onto the pillows with a tired sigh and rubbed a hand over her eyes. Putting on a happy face was beginning to exhaust her, but she’d keep up the front if it meant easing everyone’s anxiety levels and maintaining the peace between Rayne and Luke. It was a role she was intimately familiar with, and she’d been doing it since the day Luke left. For years she’d kept the reason why he’d left from everyone, including their son, because she hadn’t wanted Rayne to grow up hating or fearing his father. And because she’d naively hoped Luke might come back if she guarded that dark secret.

  Though Rayne now knew about the incident with the knife, he still harbored a degree of resentment toward his father. Whatever happened, she didn’t want any more friction between them, so if she had to smile and pretend everything was fine, and that Luke telling her she had to go to Beirut didn’t bother her in the least, so be it.

  Not that she would go. Not a chance. But the coming confrontation with Luke wasn’t going to be fun. She just hoped it happened after Rayne left for the airport in the morning.

  Her throat tightened, and she rolled her eyes at herself. Stupid, to get emotional over him leaving. It wasn’t like she wouldn’t see him again. She had at least enough time for a few more visits if things went well with her treatment.

  Someone tapped on the door. Sighing, she raised up onto her elbows. “Come in.”

  The door edged open and Bryn poked her head in. “Hey.”

  “Hi. If you’re coming to check on my mental state, I’m fine.”

  Shutting the door soundlessly behind her, Bryn raised a dark brow. “You sure about that?”

  “Yes.” And if everyone could let her be for a while, she would be fine.

  Her friend completely ignored her and came over to sit on the foot of the antique cherry spool bed. “I’m flying out to Beirut day after tomorrow. Dec wants me to go, says he and Luke think it’s the safest thing for all of us.”

  She should have expected them to gang up on her. Emily closed her eyes. “Bryn...”

  “I know you don’t want to go, and I understand it’s because you’re in treatment and you’re scared.”

  “I’m not scared.”

  Bryn stared at her. “Yes you are. I think you’re every bit as scared of Luke as you are of the cancer.”

  “You’re wrong.”

  “Am I?”

  Yes, she wanted to snap, but kept calm. That was her default mode. Everyone expected it from her. She’d been raised to be ladylike, and no matter how much she wanted to lose it now and again, she usually held it together. Which is why the disastrous confrontation with Luke earlier was so embarrassing. He was the last person on earth she wanted to see her come unglued. In front of him, she wanted to appear rational, serene and independent. Not exactly the impression she’d left him with, was it?

  Emily considered the truth of Bryn’s statement and figured she’d better explain herself. “Seeing him just reminds me of what I can’t have—let alone that I’d promised myself I would let him go before I broke up with Alex.”

  �
��Oh, please. You expect me to swallow that?”

  “Yes.” She pushed up onto one elbow and glared at her friend. This was the support she needed? “I had to let the idea of being with him go in order to face all of this. Holding on to him that way was killing me.”

  Bryn’s gaze was far too knowing. “It’s killed you for over twenty years. You expect me to believe you could just snap your fingers and forget about him one day?”

  She didn’t expect Bryn to understand. “I haven’t forgotten about him, even though I wish I could.”

  “Do you?”

  Emily frowned. “Do I what?”

  “Do you really wish you could forget about him?”

  “Sometimes.” And sometimes she wished he’d pushed that knife deep enough to end her suffering all those years ago. It was cowardly for her to even think it, but in her darkest moments, she had. If not for Rayne needing her so much back then, she didn’t know what she might have done to escape the pain. “I can’t pine away for him and fight this at the same time.” When Bryn merely kept staring at her, she sighed. “What?”

  “Since I’m your best friend, do you want my honest opinion?”

  Was there another kind when it came to Bryn? She withheld a sigh. “Go ahead.”

  She laid a hand on Emily’s shoulder, her gaze sympathetic. “You’re not over him, babe.”

  “I didn’t say I was over him,” she replied with tried patience, “I said I had to let him go. Meaning the idea of being with him again. And not just in bed,” she added, still unsettled by how close she’d come to making that fatal mistake again. “That’s not enough for me, and it would do more damage than has already been done.” Some part of her knew it would kill her this time if she let her guard down and then lost him again.